It's been months since I wrote anything on my post. I had lost the drive to do pretty much anything. So recently I was talking to my mom and she suggested that I go back to do the things I love. "Whatever happened to the blog?" she asked. "It is right where I left it." I replied. So after a lot of nagging on her part she said that the things I am passionate about, writing and baking (and wine!!!), would come back to me. I just needed to start doing them again.
"I don't feel like writing a whole post." I said. "Then write just a line, but WRITE." This last word of mami had a lot of weight and they have been on my mind for a couple of weeks now.
I didn't feel like writing because I had so much going on. If you have read my previous posts you have realized to the main character in them is my handsome, bald, almost forty, adorable husband. Well recently he became my handsome, bald, almost forty, adorable ex-husband. I became a single parent, I walked away. I don't want to look back, because forward is where I am headed. Only a handful of people know that this event has taken place and they are all in shock. Sixty-seven and a half months I shared my life with this person, who gave me the most precious gift I could have asked for, my Gabo. Sixty-seven months of good, not-so-good, flat out terrible, amazing and some simply unforgettable life experiences. I grew, we grew, we became a family. But it was always me and him, never us, nothing was ever ours. He made me a wife and a mother, first to my bonus child and then to my own. I tried to learn the ropes of home and family managing, and I discover how much I admire my mom for everything she's always done so well (getting a tissue, bear with me).
I still remember the first day I saw him and the first time we talked and I will treasure those memories. He has a Moto Moto meets John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever air to him that drives you crazy. It wasn't all peaches and cream, but it wasn't all bad. We kept growing, only in different directions. Never once did I complain about this that would hurt me, hey and I am not perfect. I can be a B (big time), but I am the first to admit it. Never once did I say STOP or don't go. I mostly kept quiet thinking that was the way to go. When I united my life to this man I believed that he was the one I would grow old with, and he could have been. But I failed in the communication department. We both had needs that were not being met by the other because we always assumed things were fine. And they were until they were not anymore ant it was already too late.
He tried a lot. Probably more than I did. And I am not looking back because I am finishing that book right now with this post. I loved that man and I know where I failed. He knows where he failed. The gap between us got so big, that it was impossible for us to find our way back (maybe I wasn't patient enough or maybe he wasn't), God only knows.
If you are at a crossroads, or you are always avoiding confrontation, and your answer is always fine. If routine is making a dent in you relationship. Please don't let the gap get bigger, talk, don't be afraid of a little argument (it will pass), if anything it might make you relationship stronger. Make God a priority (I really failed on that one). Talk so you are heard, this goes to men and women. Work on maling your partner fall in love with you everyday. I often wondered if things would have turned out different had we made more time for us as a couple not just as parents. If instead of hanging out with his buddies he would have stayed home with me once in a while, or asked me out on a date, so he could see me as his woman, not just his baby mama... Oh, how I wondered.
To my handsome, bald, almost-forty, adorable, jordan almond lover, mancave wanter, handyman, lizard catcher, ex-husband. Thank you for the memories. I hope one day you can forgive everything I did or didn't do. I already let go all the bad and forgave you. I pray that you find your happiness. I know God will give us the strength carry on and eventually move on.
I think it's time to be happy again.